My Response to "How to Guard Your Life From Lust," by Mark Dance - a Woman's Dilemma
Yesterday, I read a post from a former pastor friend (now working for LifeWay as a V.P. ministering to pastors) about how to guard your life from lust. Here is the post: http://markdance.net/how-to-guard-your-life-from-lust/ For the purposes of this article, let's assume that lust means sexual desire outside of traditional marriage, as used by Rev. Dance. Obviously sexual desire within marriage can be a very good thing (and is sometimes also called "lust" in popular culture). For the record, I am very happy with my marriage - every aspect of it - but feel that this is an issue that needs to be addressed in the church.
Mark Dance writes primarily to male pastors, which are typically married men, so it is no surprise that his response was incomplete when the advice was applied to women.
His first advice is that the Holy Spirit can help us (2 Cor. 10:4-5) to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ when we ask Him. This is excellent advice that applies to both genders, and can be used in any situation where a Christian feels temptation -- while we are weak and fallible, God is faithful.
His second point, Recruit Your Spouse as an Ally, is equally valid and biblical. However, he falls into a thought pattern that I see too often (probably due to his personal experience), and makes it sound like men are the only ones with reluctant spouses. Also, he finds that he only needed one talk about this with his wife, while I think many couples may need to rehash this topic from time to time.
Women who have more sexual desire than their husbands are marginalized both by their churches and by other women at women's conferences. Preaching towards women on this matter almost exclusively deals with telling them to have sex even if they don't feel like it, rather than
1) helping them figure out why they don't want sex and become genuinely interested (which may require a special talk with said hubby about how to make sex good for them), or
2) helping women (whose husbands are reluctant) with avoiding lust and gaining better communication skills.
The third point is having accountability - a good point - but again, women are reluctant to talk about this among other women. There is a lot of shame on both sides of the fence, and finding someone who understands you or can be helpful (while you help back) isn't the easiest thing. There is no training on how to be a good accountability partner or how to find one, and most of us have zero counseling experience. I think the answer probably lies in making sure to have close friends. Older women are to train younger women in how to love their families, too, so women need to make friends from both age groups -- discipleship seems a better answer for accountability than having an equal partner, for those who can manage it.
The other problem with this point regards privacy. How does one disclose any of this private information to a friend without feeling traitorous? The obvious answer is to talk to your spouse first. If he doesn't want you talking to a friend about it, ask him if you can have a counselor if you need one or make your argument using scripture that supports accountability. Your marriage is important, so the trick is to guard against temptation while respecting your spouse's privacy - not always easy, but worth it!
“Flee from youthful passions, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart” (2 Tim. 2:22).
The last piece of advice is great - run! Don't put yourself into situations that call for greater-than-usual self control, and run from any situation that does. Don't spend time putting immoral things into your head that you won't be able to get out; Your thought life is incredibly important and will eventually effect the rest of your life.
“Run from sexual immorality!” (1 Cor. 6:18)
Mark Dance writes primarily to male pastors, which are typically married men, so it is no surprise that his response was incomplete when the advice was applied to women.
His first advice is that the Holy Spirit can help us (2 Cor. 10:4-5) to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ when we ask Him. This is excellent advice that applies to both genders, and can be used in any situation where a Christian feels temptation -- while we are weak and fallible, God is faithful.
His second point, Recruit Your Spouse as an Ally, is equally valid and biblical. However, he falls into a thought pattern that I see too often (probably due to his personal experience), and makes it sound like men are the only ones with reluctant spouses. Also, he finds that he only needed one talk about this with his wife, while I think many couples may need to rehash this topic from time to time.
Women who have more sexual desire than their husbands are marginalized both by their churches and by other women at women's conferences. Preaching towards women on this matter almost exclusively deals with telling them to have sex even if they don't feel like it, rather than
1) helping them figure out why they don't want sex and become genuinely interested (which may require a special talk with said hubby about how to make sex good for them), or
2) helping women (whose husbands are reluctant) with avoiding lust and gaining better communication skills.
The third point is having accountability - a good point - but again, women are reluctant to talk about this among other women. There is a lot of shame on both sides of the fence, and finding someone who understands you or can be helpful (while you help back) isn't the easiest thing. There is no training on how to be a good accountability partner or how to find one, and most of us have zero counseling experience. I think the answer probably lies in making sure to have close friends. Older women are to train younger women in how to love their families, too, so women need to make friends from both age groups -- discipleship seems a better answer for accountability than having an equal partner, for those who can manage it.
The other problem with this point regards privacy. How does one disclose any of this private information to a friend without feeling traitorous? The obvious answer is to talk to your spouse first. If he doesn't want you talking to a friend about it, ask him if you can have a counselor if you need one or make your argument using scripture that supports accountability. Your marriage is important, so the trick is to guard against temptation while respecting your spouse's privacy - not always easy, but worth it!
“Flee from youthful passions, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart” (2 Tim. 2:22).
The last piece of advice is great - run! Don't put yourself into situations that call for greater-than-usual self control, and run from any situation that does. Don't spend time putting immoral things into your head that you won't be able to get out; Your thought life is incredibly important and will eventually effect the rest of your life.
“Run from sexual immorality!” (1 Cor. 6:18)
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